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                  %CONTROL FULFILLMENT EXPECTATIONS 870615

     Jack  used  to find fulfillment in Jill's  unexpected
and wonderful behavior.   Jill used to pull surprises  and
please   Jack  in  miraculous  ways  which  Jack  did  not
understand.

     Jack   wanted  and  needed  more  of  that  kind   of
fulfillment.   He wanted to understand and control Jill to
insure that he got more of what he wanted.  He expected to
get what he needed and wanted.   He wanted Jill to fulfill
his expectations, and gave Jill signals that she should do
so.

     Jill  was  not pleased by Jack's attempts to  control
her  behavior;   and  her  desire  to  please  Jack   with
unexpected  and wonderful behavior was undermined.    Jill
used to find fulfillment in surprising Jack.   In the face
of Jack's manipulative efforts Jill found it hard to  find
fulfillment in surprising Jack.   Jack's expectations  and
demands got in the way of spontaneity.  Even when Jill did
some  of the traditionally wonderful things,  their  magic
was gone  because  they  corresponded  to  some  of Jack's
manipulative  expectations.    Often  Jill  would  not  do
something  because she got signals from Jack that  he  was
expecting her to do them, and would be disappointed if her
behavior did  not conform to his  expectations.   Even  if
Jill wanted  to do something,  she did not feel free to do
what she wanted to do,  because  Jack's efforts to control
her elicited a defensive move of rebellion.

     In Jack's effort to be in control of his relationship
with  Jill he has destroyed the mystery and miracle of the
relationship.    Jack can not depend upon Jill to  provide
the mystery and miracle which his attempts at control have
destroyed.    Jill  can not freely give what Jack  demands
that she give,  and its meaning is absent when it is given
upon demand.

     Human relationships can not be understood,  predicted
and  controlled  through scientific knowledge  based  upon
analysis.    The  scientists'  paradigm does not  fit  the
situations  in  which the miracle of  human  relationships
spin  magic  and  meaning  out  of  common  situations  in
unexpected ways.  Scientists' can not succeed by repeating
the  experiment to demonstrate success over and over so as
to  prove how success can be achieved in  reflexive  human
relationships.
                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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