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  %COMMITMENT CODEPENDENT CONTROL FEELINGS EMOTIONS 870612

     In   some  relationships  the   participants   commit
themselves  to co-dependency and control as if  they  were
co-requirements of intimate relationships.   To them to be
intimate  with another is to make a commitment to  be  co-
dependent with them, and to participate in a  relationship
of  bilateral  mutual  control:   each  having  rights  of
control  over  the other,  but not necessarily  equal  and
balanced rights of control.

     The  rules  of  tacit  rights to  control  are  never
clearly  stated and agreed to.   One  participant  usually
believes in having superior rights, usually the male.  The
other participant usually  ends up exercising  more subtle
control.    Both usually resent the efforts at control  by
the  other,   but  neither  can see the  way  out  of  the
commitment  to a relationship entailing mutual control  as
part of the deal.

     Trouble  is brewing when people begin to try to  gain
control  of  feelings and emotions.    Good  feelings  and
emotions flow from integrative relationships, not from the
achievement of control.   Emotional fulfillment is a gift,
not an achievement;  it is to be accepted,  not  attained.
Emotional  fulfillment can not be achieved for self or for
others.   Emotional  fulfillment  is not a gift  which  is
created by one person and given to another person, it is a
gift received and enjoyed together by  participants  in an
integrative  relationship which is free  of  co-dependency
and control.

     People  who  try to achieve fulfillment through  some
kind  of  control can not accept the gift  of  fulfillment
within  integrative relationships.   Attempts  to  achieve
control  are disintegrative and undermine the  integrative
relationships  within  which fulfillment may be  accepted.
There  is  no  power great enough  to  insure  fulfillment
through  control because the concept "fulfillment  through
control"  is essentially lacking in integrity;  it is self
contradictory and not related to genuine fulfillment.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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