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                         %RISKS IN INTIMATE BONDING 870429

     It  is  risky to become intimately bonded to  another
person.  The person who seems o.k.  before becoming bonded
may  take  advantage of a bond and use it as a  basis  for
exercising control.  It is prudent to explore any possible
tendency of another person to believe that it is important
to  be  in  control,  to believe  that people who  are  in
control are more respectable  than  people who are not  in
control.   If a person believes in the importance of being
in control,  then the person  may  change character when a
bond  has been  formed which can be used as the basis  for
exercising control when it is not easy to escape the bond.

     Bonding  may  take  the  official  form  of  a  legal
marriage.  Society  is  disinclined  to  get  involved  in
conflicts between married persons.  A woman who is married
to a man who wants to exercise  control is more vulnerable
to  the  man after marriage than before  marriage.    Both
emotional bonding and  social  reluctance  to get involved
encourage  a manipulative man to enter and take  advantage
of the marriage bond.

     It  is risky to become involved with a man who  lacks
self  esteem  and  is prone to seek means  of  control  to
bolster  self  esteem.    Such a man is  prone  to  become
addicted  to  one  means  or another for  trying  to  gain
control  over fears which are rooted in factors which  are
beyond  anybody's  control.   Attempting to  control  such
behavior  is  bound  to  be a challenge  which  will  only
intensify attempts to be in control.  Such a man should be
tested   for   tolerance,    jealousy,     possessiveness,
generosity,    self   confidence,    honesty,    openness,
cooperativeness, charitable interests,  etc. before taking
any extreme risks in intimate relationships which may lead
to the vulnerability of tight bonding.

     The  cure  for the risks in intimate bonding  is  not
found in attempting to be in complete control of any kind.
The  cure  may be found in greater  understanding  of  the
dynamics of personal relationships  which are dominated by
agenda  items that focus upon who has control and in  what
ways; believing it is good to be in control.  Only through
such  understanding  can  one  be safely  vulnerable  with
security,  and avoid  becoming the  enabler of someone who
feels a great need to be  in control,   regardless of what
being in  control  does  to self and others'  personal and
communal integrities.
                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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