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                              %RELATIONSHIPS AGENDA 870429

     Personal relationships entail agenda items upon which
participants may or may not agree.  Participants may agree
to be in conflict.   Participants' agreement may lead them
to find creative ways to resolve conflicts, rather than to
perpetuate conflict.   Participants may agree to  restrict
continuing  conflict  to certain kinds of issues,  and  to
resolve conflicts regarding other kinds of issues.

     Some relationships are dominated by conflict over the
agenda for  the  relationship, and who  will  control  the
agenda.  Participants may not agree upon the central focus
of  the  relationship and what  transcendent  purpose  the
relationships  will  serve.    The  relationship  is  then
defined  by  the  conflict  over  what the nature  of  the
relationship  should be;  rather than by any purpose which
transcends   the  relationship.    Participants  in   such
relationships are often  trapped  in  their  relationships
with no anchor outside the relationship by which to escape
the prisons of the relationships.   They need  integrative
help  from  outside the relationship to help  them  become
integrated  as  persons of integrity in a  community  with
integrity.  They can not achieve integration on their own.

     Addicts  and  people who enable addicts  to  continue
being  addicts  are  trapped in relationships  which  have
agendas  which  are not integrative  in  character.    The
agendas do not transcend the  relationships and entrap the
participants  in  the  relationships of addiction to  self
centered needs, rather than focus upon integrative desires
which  reach out into a community with integrity which  is
guided and motivated by healthy love.

     Often  participants  in relationships are unaware  of
the nature of their agenda items;  the items may be tacit,
unspoken, unrecognized, and even secret.   If participants
are  addicts or otherwise participants in collusive  games
of   mutual   self  deception, their  agenda   items   are
accordingly  hidden from examination and appraisal.   They
do not control their agendas,  their agendas control them.
To  enjoy integrity and security they need to become aware
of  their agendas and learn to openly negotiate changes in
the agendas which lead their relationship.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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