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                 %ACCEPT ACCEPTANCE WITHOUT CONTROL 870417

     The person  who never experiences acceptance  by Love
without conditions attached---learns  to lack self esteem,
and wanting self esteem,  seeks to acquire  self esteem by
believing  it is important to be in  control  of means  to
acquire self esteem.   Control of the  means  to achieving
self  esteem  becomes more important than  receiving  self
esteem as a gift without conditions.

     Healthy self esteem cannot be achieved,  it  can only
be  accepted  as a gift.   Self esteem is grounded in  the
esteem in  which others hold you.   If others do not  hold
you  in  esteem you cannot with integrity hold yourself in
high  esteem,  no matter what your accomplishments.   Self
esteem is not correlated to ability or accomplishments; it
is correlated to how you have been held by others who have
been  important to  you.   If you have not been held well,
your self esteem will not be well.   You are likely to  be
ill-at-ease  and  being dis-eased fall victim to forms  of
the  disease  of  addiction to  means  of  acquiring  self
esteem---in  which to  hold you self because you were  not
well held.

     The  person who is frantically trying to achieve self
esteem  by one addictive means or another addictive  means
is  not  likely  to  be sufficiently  at  ease  to  accept
acceptance  without  control.    To  such  a  person   the
important  thing is to gain control of some means to  self
esteem.    One way would be to gain control of the grounds
for other people's acceptance of oneself;  to control  the
conditions for being acceptable.   If what is important is
being  in  control,   then one must be in control  of  the
conditions of acceptability.

     Some   people   try   to   control   conditions    of
acceptability in terms of ethical,   moral,  religious, or
legalistic  codes.    Others try to control conditions  of
acceptability  by being important through the  control  of
means  of  great  power.    Yet  others  try  to   control
conditions of  acceptability  through  profound knowledge,
predictions  and feats of great control.   Others seek  to
control  their experiences through  the  use  of  alcohol,
drugs, food, work, sex, women, song, etc.  All such people
need  to accept acceptance without control,  but they have
learned that it is important to be in control to have high
self  esteem.    They  believe  that  they  can  not  with
integrity stop trying to  be  in control and simply accept
acceptance.
                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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