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                 %CONTROL OF PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS 860505

     People who feel a need to be in control of situations
are frustrated with real personal relationships.  When any
one  person is  in  control of a personal relationship the
relationship is not satisfying. Personal relationships can
not be  controlled  to the satisfaction of any person,  at
least not in any enduring way.  Only perverse satisfaction
flows from the control of personal relationships.

     Authentic  personal  relationships  involve mutuality
without coercion.   If  any one person controls a personal
relationship  there  is coercion but not mutuality in  the
relationship.

     Authentic personal relationships promote the growth o
the participants;  they are recreated by,  born  again in,
the relationships.    As  creatures  of their relationship
they do not fully control their relationship.

     Since authentic personal relationships do not involve
control and do involve non-coercive mutuality, there is no
need  to  understand  one's relationships in  an  analytic
objective  way  as  a means to  coercive  control  of  the
relationship.  Any attempt to understand intimate personal
relationships  in  analytic  objective  ways  leading   to
attempts   to   control---is  likely  to   undermine   the
authenticity  of  the  relationship.    Intimate  personal
relationships should not be respected on the basis of  how
well they are controlled,  nor should control be sought as
a means to respect.

     Only when  one has let go of the ideal  of  being  in
control  of  a  relationship is it possible to let  go and
enter  authentically  as  a whole person  into  a  healthy
relationship  and  let it lead to personal liberation  and
growth.  Letting go of the ideal comes first.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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