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 %COURTSHIP PERSONAL INTEGRITY COMMUNAL LIVING HOME+961225
 %SAFE VULNERABILITY DEMONSTRATION SECURITY RESPOND 961225

     In  integrative courtship people seek to develop open
and  honest  relationships  wherein they  can  enjoy  both
personal  and communal integrity.    In many circumstances
it  is risky to make oneself vulnerable,  for people stand
ready  to  take  advantage of  vulnerability.     In  such
circumstances  courtship entails prudent  explorations  of
others'   dispositions---to see if they are more prone  to
take  advantage  of vulnerability,  or to give free  gifts
of   the  freedom  to  be  safely  vulnerable.    In  such
explorations  the one  taking the initiative in  courtship
demonstrates   low level  vulnerability  to  see  how  the
one  courted  will respond.    On  the basis of the manner
of   response  other demonstrations of various  levels  of
vulnerability may,  or may not follow.

     In  some  kinds  of courtship what  is  sought  is  a
advantageous  arrangement---as  when  an  upwardly  mobile
professional young man in graduate school seeks a diligent
codependent wife  to support him until   he is established
and   needs  a  higher  class  woman  to  serve   him   by
entertaining  his  upwardly mobile professional  peers  in
style.    Personal and communal integrity are not  primary
considerations in courtships of personal advantage.

     In   some royal courts  courtship  had  to  do   with
royal  arrangements    between    different    courts---to
cement relationships  between states which might otherwise
engage  in  destructive  conflicts.    In such  situations
personal  needs,   desires  and  integrity  often   played
secondary roles.

     In  all occasions of courtship it is more helpful for
those  immediately  involved  and  the  members  of  their
community---to  deal  openly and honestly with the  nature
of  each   courtship;    rather  than  for  them  to  play
collusive  games  of mutual self deception.    People  who
are  playing collusive  games of mutual self deception are
unlikely   to be well informed,  unlikely to  be  thinking
clearly,  and so unlikely  to  make wise decisions leading
to  integrative behaviors.
                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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