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   %FULFILLING MEANINGFUL INTIMATE SEXUAL RELATIONS 960109

     It is not simple to fulfill the conditions which must
be  met  for an intimate relationship to  be  significant,
meaningful, satisfying, enduring and respected.  There are
many ways in which the development of such a  relationship
can "go wrong":

     1.  One participant may try "take over" and "control"
the "relationship"  and its process of development.   When
that happens the "relationship" is very "trying".

     2.  One  participant  may "surrender"  and  want  the
other to "take over"  and "direct"  the "relationship" and
the process of its  development.    When  that happens the
"relationship" goes sour.

     3.  The  participants may be constantly at odds  with
each  other  "trying"   to be  "in  charge"   without  any
agreement about what each participant's role should be  in
the  relationship.    They  are  "together"   in  constant
conflict and fearful that the conflict will end---and then
they will have nothing to focus their relationship.

     4.  The  participants may be bored  "together"    for
lack of any sense of anything better to be or to do.  When
that happens life is dull,  tedious,  wearisome and devoid
of meaning  and  satisfaction---for   lack   of  perceived
alternatives from which to choose.

     5.  The participants may be "driven" together in ways
which they do not understand,  choose,  like,  or respect;
compulsively  acting out a "script"  in a tragic drama  of
actions  which  seem  to  be  determined  mysteriously  by
"outside"   factors.   When that happens the  relationship
tends to be frantic in meaningless and non-satisfying ways
which echo their past family histories in unknown ways.

     6.  The  participants  may be acting out  a  "script"
clearly determined by family, friends, religion, training,
professionals,   laws,   etc.     When  that  happens  the
"meaning"   of the relationship may be determined  by  the
conflict between the "insiders"  and the "outsiders";  but
there may be little honesty or  true  satisfaction in that
"meaning".

     7.  The participants may regard their relationship as
"predestined"  and play no active role in giving direction
to  the process of the development of their  relationship;
for from their  point  of  view  there  are  no meaningful
"decisions"  to be made on their part.   When that happens
there is little excitement---for there are no alternatives
to consider and the development is "cut and dried".

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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