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       %RESPONSE DIFFERENCE REFERENCE SIGNAL ACTUAL+950913
    %EXPECT HOPES WANTS DESIRES NEEDS SHOULDS FEARS 950913

     We  often  respond to each other  and  situations  in
terms of our level of surprise.   If our level of surprise
is  low our response is relatively  routine,   part  of  a
familiar pattern.    If our level of surprise is high, our
response is unlikely to be routine; or, if our response is
apparently  routine,  our overt response may be part of an
effort  not  to give away how surprised  we  were.     Our
surprise may be pleasant or distressed.   In any case, how
we respond depends significantly upon how surprised we are
by a situation, or by what a person has said or done.

     Our level of surprise depends much  upon what we have
expected, wanted, hoped for,  or think should occur, or be
the  case.     How  we respond  depends  upon  differences
between our expectations, wants, hopes and "shoulds";  and
what we encounter.

     We  may expect others to respond to what we  perceive
to be what we have said or done; and may be surprised when
their  response  seems  to  be incongruent  with  what  we
perceive to be what we said or did.

     We often forget that:

     1.  What others perceive that we have said or done
   may be quite different from what we perceive that
   we have said or done.

     2.  Others respond in ways which relate strongly to
   their level of SURPRISE due to what they perceive
   that we have said or done; rather than to just
   what they perceive that we have said or done.

     We need to be more sensitive to:

     1.  The fact that others' perceptions are often not
   the same as perceptions.

     2.  That other's responses depend heavily on the
   level of surprise due to contrasts with their
   expectations, wants, hopes, and "shoulds".

     If  we think that by selecting what we say and do  we
can control other people's behaviors, we are neglecting to
attend  the above considerations regarding  the  important
role which  surprise plays in how we and others respond to
what  each  other says and does.   Human relationships are
too  complex  for  any of us to have  any  possibility  of
controlling the attitudes, thoughts, decisions and actions
of  other  persons.    We  cannot know enough about  other
people, and about how human relationships evolve---to have
any  reliable basis for trying to control  other  persons.
Any effort to control human  behaviors  is  based  upon  a
misleading paradigm which is  bound to have disintegrative
consequences.
                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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