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 %ESCAPE PRISON DOUBLE BIND COLLUSION ADDICTION JOY+940708
   %TRANSCEND DISHONESTY CODEPENDENCE DETACH ATTACH+940708
 %MANAGE CHURCH CONFLICT RESOLUTION BYSTANDER WATCH+940708
   %AUDIENCE REVELATION EXPOSE MOTIVATION AVOIDANCE+940708
    %LACK EXCLUSION OMISSION FOCUS DIVERT ATTENTION 940708

     How  shall  we  behave so as best  to  transcend  our
prisons of double-bind dilemmas,  collusions,  addictions,
codependence,  compulsive violence?   Not by responding in
kind  to  those who are most into that which  we  wish  to
transcend!    Responding in kind breeds more of  the  same
kind,   not  kindness if responding in kind is  not  kind;
i.e.,   NOT:    gentle,   gracious,   loving,   forgiving,
responsive,  honest,  spontaneous,  generous,  liberating,
etc.

     People who maintain conflicts are not  interested  in
conflict-resolution.  Such people want to manage conflicts
to  keep  them going to their own advantage---or  so  they
think.  Such people do not want to minimize violence; they
plan  to use violence and threats of violence to their own
advantage---or  so they think.   Their  dishonesty  leaves
them utterly confused about advantage and disadvantage and
they cannot think clearly.

     People  who  maintain conflicts think it is to  their
advantage  to undermine clear thinking because that  makes
people  more  vulnerable to manipulation.    They  are  so
confused that they do not realize that the confusion which
they  generate makes them more vulnerable to  manipulation
and is not truthfully to their advantage.  It only appears
to be to their advantage if they want to think so.

     People  who  maintain conflicts are not dedicated  to
promoting personal and communal integrity; but they try to
appear to be respectable people by an elaborate system  of
deceptive levers,  wheels, gears and thrusters.   It is an
unbalanced  system  which can be undermined by  the  clear
light of daily honesty and clarity.  The way to respond to
such people who maintain conflicts is:  honestly,  simply,
clearly, lovingly,  gently, forgivingly, and transparently
with  good-will.    In that way their elaborate system  of
deceptions  will  be exposed for what it is  and  it  will
collapse.

     People  who  maintain  conflicts  do so  in  part  by
maintaining control of the agenda.   They divert attention
away from all that they lack,  ignore,  neglect and refuse
to  pay attention to---for keeping attention  diverted  is
essential   to  maintaining  their  elaborate  system   of
deceptions  as  a cover for their dishonesty and  lack  of
integrity.    To remove their cover attention needs to  be
directed to all that they lack, ignore, neglect and refuse
to pay attention to.  Contentious people are not balanced,
and  their audience needs to shift their attention to  the
ways in which they are out of balance.

     People   who   maintain  conflicts  focus  too   much
attention upon conflicts and upon their justifications for
maintaining conflicts in an active state of  continuation.
They divert attention away from the importance of honesty,
personal    integrity,    communal   integrity,    health-
maintenance, preventive medicine, child care, forgiveness,
reconciliation, listening, dialogue, and security known as
the  freedom to be safely vulnerable.   To  transcend  the
conflicts  which such people maintain --- we need to shine
a  gracious  and   honest light upon all  that   they  are
trying to divert attention away from.

     People who maintain conflicts are most vulnerable  to
being  changed  where they have the  most  difficulty---in
their maintaining an appearance of integrity and  honesty.
They need to be encouraged to discover that real integrity
and honesty are preferable to fake integrity and  honesty.
They need to be discouraged from trying to maintain a mere
appearance of integrity and honesty by having respect  for
any deceptive  efforts  withdrawn.   They  need  to  be
encouraged  to shift towards searching for  integrity  and
honesty.

     To  help  people who are in the compulsive  habit  of
maintaining  conflicts  become less violent,  we  need  to
offer  to  them  the gift of true security which they  may
come  to  know  as the freedom to be safely vulnerable  in
open  and  honest intimate relationships.   Responding  to
them in kind,  in their manner is not kind and is not  the
helpful kind of response---for it is instead supportive of
their efforts to maintain their favorite conflicts.  Their
kinds  of  reactions  are  disintegrative.    Truly   kind
responses are truly honest and integrative.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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