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 %SEX FULFILL CONTROL REJECT FAIL CONFORM DEFENSIVE+931205
   %SECURITY SAFE LOVE THREAT DEFEND LAW LEGALISTIC 931205

     Sexual  relationships  which are most fulfilling  are
often those over which we are not in control.

     We  fear  not  being in control,  for  we  are  often
rejected for failure to be in control;  for not fulfilling
expectations, not conforming.

     When  people threaten us for not being in control  we
feel  vulnerable,  and seek to replace  vulnerability with
invulnerability---through   being  defensive,   trying  to
control those who threaten us.

     While we are being defensive we cannot be intimate in
meaningful   and  fulfilling  relationships.    Meaningful
intimate relationships  involve vulnerability, the freedom
to be safely vulnerable.

     Only when we can  be safely vulnerable can we  become
meaningfully  involved  in  truly  intimate  relationships
which  lead us to the brink of the most  fulfilling sexual
relationships---but out of fear  of  rejection for  losing
control  we  often  pull back from the brink and  are  not
fulfilled.

     Those who are most threatened by the specter of  loss
of  control respond  by   devising   elaborate  legalistic
defense mechanisms: laws, rules, regulations, injunctions,
prohibitions, legal procedures,  charges, counter-charges,
taboos, etc.   They seek security through control by which
to defend against  chaos  in the absence of control.  They
often  undermine the possibility  of  meaningful  intimate
relationships  which  would reduce the frustrations  which
motivates much uncontrolled violence.

     This  is clearly a dilemma,  not a technical problem.
We  will learn how to deal with the  dilemma  wisely  only
when  we  stop trying to solve the dilemma as if it were a
technical problem calling for technocratic controls.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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