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%HEALTH DIFFERENCE RELATION PERSON PRESENCE ABSENCE 930328

     To  make   healthy   distinctions   between   healthy
relationships  and  un-healthy relationships we need to be
sure to  include  in our considerations attention  to  the
presence   and/or  absence  within  the  relationship  of:
balance,    honesty,    justice,    mutuality,    respect,
responsiveness,  affection, growth, change, vulnerability,
security,  dialogue,  listening,  forgiveness,  tolerance,
conflict  resolution,   confidence,   self-esteem,  trust,
reliability, etc.

     In  the  absence  of  recognized,   articulated   and
respected  healthy  ways  to  distinguish  between healthy
relationships    and     unhealthy     relationships---the
distinctions  are likely to be made in unhealthy ways;  on
the  basis   of  superficial   appearances,    suspicions,
misleading    interpretations,    repressive   rules   and
regulations,  collusive  games of mutual  self  deception,
preoccupations with issues of control, etc.

     When we start to fall honestly in love we are tempted
to protect ourselves from the risks of the fall---by means
with which we try to take control of the fall, of love, of
ourselves,   of  others.   We are tempted to seek ways  to
avoid  being lead by honest love into new healthy patterns
of  growth;  for they are risky and unpredictable.   If we
are involved in  collusions  we  may  abuse "good"  rules,
regulations, prohibitions, taboos, ethical codes, etc.  to
undermine  the  promptings  of  true  love;   and  healthy
attention to what prompted the development of them.  If we
think  it is easy to tell the difference,  we are probably
operating under the influence of a pattern of  collusions,
addictions and/or codependencies.

     If we ultimately fear the risks of falling love, then
do not  know  how to tell the difference  between  healthy
intimacy  and unhealthy intimacy;  they we are very likely
to repress all temptations to be open, honest, responsive,
integrative,   trusting,   vulnerable,   spontaneous,  and
involved in balanced dialogue.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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