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 %REAL CONTROL TRUE EMOTION PASSION CONFORM EXPRESS 930107

     When the  expressions of real emotions  and  passions
have  been  constrained  by  legalistic  rules,   threats,
punishments  and required patterns of  conformity---it  is
then  difficult for the victims of such constraints to let
go and BE REAL in honest communications which are true  to
themselves and to each other in intimate relationships.

     All  too often the effect of constraints is to  cause
people to be  careful not to  say/reveal what they  really
believe, think, perceive, and feel; and to conform instead
to conventional patterns of expression which (according to
the  rules)   do not conform to one's  own  true  beliefs,
thinking,   perceptions  and feelings.  The rule which  is
internalized is;  DO NOT  BE  REALLY  HONEST, because that
rule is what is found  to be  the common thread in all the
constraints.   That  IS  THE  COMMON  THREAD  because  the
collusion  which  is operative is defending itself through
SYSTEMIC  DISHONESTY according to the tacit UN-EXPRESSIBLE
RULES of the games of mutual self deception of a com-unity
which lacks integrity.

     When  the  operative  rule for a long time  has  been
PRETEND TO BE REALLY HONEST,  but NEVER BE REALLY  HONEST;
how  is it to become possible for victims of that rule  to
learn  HOW  TO  BE  REALLY  HONEST?   This  is  especially
difficult  when the content of honesty might  be  emotions
such   as   fears,    taboo desires,    forbidden   hopes,
unconventional expectations,   forbidden pleasures,  taboo
anxieties,   etc!   How is one to become TRUE TO SELF  AND
OTHER  after a childhood and adolescence of being  trained
to  PRETEND  TO BE REALLY HONEST,  but TO NEVER BE  REALLY
HONEST?

     To  learn  to be really honest we must be  given  the
gift  of  the  freedom of  really  being  honest  from our
earliest  days  of life---by NEVER being  threatened  with
personal    rejection,     excommunication,      shunning,
disfellowshipping,  alienation, etc. If conventional rules
of  social conformity are regarded as  of more  importance
than  BEING REALLY HONEST;   then we grow up learning that
what  is  really  important is to  PRETEND  TO  BE  REALLY
HONEST, but NEVER TO BE REALLY HONEST. Such training makes
real intimacy,  healthy sexual relationships,  and healthy
parenting virtually impossible  when we are adults.  It is
not   possible  to  switch  suddenly  from  conformity  to
honesty;   for  the injunction "BE REAL"   has  become  an
oxymoron  during a life of being commanded  NOT TO BE TRUE
TO SELF AND OTHERS in order so we will CONFORM.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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