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  %DEFENSIVE PEOPLE EXPECT FIX CONFORMITY FEAR LOVE 921219

     Defensive  people  often  expect  us  to  conform  in
keeping with their expectations;  thinking that if only we
were  to conform appropriately to their expectations, they
would  then  enjoy security and would no longer need to be
defensive.  Defensive people often feel and think as if it
is our failures to  conform properly to their expectations
which generate their fears, apprehensions, anxieties,  and
insecurity;  and so justify their  being defensive.   Yet,
their fears, apprehensions,  anxieties and insecurity flow
from assumptions, presuppositions, attitudes,  beliefs and
convictions which they have  more power to control than do
we.  We need to do all that we can  do  with  integrity to
avoid  feeding  their  fears, apprehensions, anxieties and
feelings of insecurity; but so also do they. If we conform
in keeping with  their expectations and demands---they may
with insight  realize that  we  are likely to resent their
manipulations  and  control over us;  and fear that out of
resentment,  anger and  frustration  we  will at  sometime
rebel and attack them.   Thus through conformity we cannot
still their fears. They must be ever ready for us to rebel
and  attack.   They  must always be on  the  defensive  in
keeping  with their deeply rooted fears,   insecurity  and
anxiety. Our conformity will not still their deeply rooted
fears.

     If we are to be secure we will do well to  give  each
other  the  gift of security through which to calm  deeply
rooted fears,  insecurity and anxiety.  We will do well to
seek   to   avoid   manipulating   each   other    through
expectations,   demands  and requirements  of  conformity;
which are likely to breed resentment, anger and rebellious
attacks. We cannot be secure so long as those whom we most
fear  are insecure and defensive.  We cannot be secure  so
long as we are engaged in manipulating each other  through
expectations, demands and requirements of conformity.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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