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 %BELIEF PERFECT ALWAYS CONFORM ACCEPT REJECT ALIEN 921010

     If  we accept the belief that personal  acceptability
should  depend  upon  conformity  to  some  standards   of
personal behavior, thought and attitudes; we fall into the
trap   of   perfectionists---who  compulsively   seek   to
compensate for imperfections by striving for and demanding
higher standards of conformity.

     Achievement  of low level standards of conformity and
achievement of provisional personal acceptability in terms
of  low  level  standards  of  conformity---do  not  bring
fulfillment and satisfaction; much less do they bring true
security.  There  is always the risk that others will  not
regard  our achievements as adequate, proper,  or properly
motivated---so there is  always the  threat  of rejection,
alienation,  and even excommunication. In keeping with the
belief  that  personal acceptability  should  depend  upon
conformity,  the response to such insecurity is to seek to
achieve  higher standards of conformity in order to  force
others  to  accept us---according to the "logic"   of  the
game.

     People  who are insecure out of fear of each  other's
rejections  are  unlikely  to  be  generous  with personal
acceptance;   because people who are  carelessly  generous
with  personal  acceptance are likely to be judged  to  be
people  who  do  not maintain  high  enough  standards  of
performance  to be acceptable people in the eyes of others
who are insecure.  The teacher who  gives high grades  too
readily is not acceptable to teachers  with high standards
of acceptability.  Insecure  people are each other's  most
severe critics and are most ready to reject each other for
failing  to  conform  to  tacit  and  confusing  rules  of
acceptability.

     The  trap  is  set  when we accept  the  notion  that
personal  acceptability should depend upon some  standards
of conformity;  that people who conform properly should be
accepted into our exclusive community, and people who fail
to conform  properly  should  be  excommunicated  from our
exclusive  community.  Once that notion is  accepted:   no
refinement of any set of definitions of proper conformity,
no  refinement of  any  set  of  judicial  procedures  for
distinguishing between acceptable and unacceptable people,
and no refinement  of  the proper means to salvation which
is in keeping with the notion---no such effort will  unset
the trap.
     To unset the trap of conformal acceptability we  must
return  to  the  beginning  and  reject  the  notion  that
personal   acceptability    should   depend   upon    some
standards    of conformity;     and  reject  the   notions
that   that   non-conformists may,  should,   and  can  be
properly  excluded from our community.  Communities  which
fail  to  unset the trap by accepting     any    conformal
standards      of      personal    acceptability---thereby
destroy    the   possibilities    of   open   and   honest
communication,     undermine   the  motivations  for  true
listening,    and put all members of the community  on the
defensive:     for   everyone  wants  to  APPEAR   to   be
acceptable---whether or not they have  really conformed in
keeping  with some set of  conformal rules.  Nobody  truly
wants  to  conform,   but  everybody wants  to  APPEAR  to
conform.  Thus everybody is tempted  to be dishonest on  a
regular   basis.   Being  dishonest  on  a  regular  basis
generates  additional occasions for being dishonest  in an
exponential way,  and both personal and communal integrity
disintegrate exponentially.

     These   considerations   indicate   that   often    a
revolutionary  shift  in  paradigm  is  necessary  for   a
community  to  enjoy  and maintain personal  and  communal
integrity.  The focus of  attention  must  shift away from
notions of acceptability, rejectability, conformity,  non-
conformity, good, evil, perfection, imperfection and other
such concepts.   The focus  of attention must shift toward
understanding   each other person and toward understanding
the  nature  of personal and communal integrity,   health,
balance,   honesty,  security,  change and growth.  In the
absence  of  such  shifts  of  focus  no  techniques,   no
technologies and no efforts to achieve perfection  will be
healthy or satisfying.
                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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