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    %AVOID DANGER HARM RISK FEAR CONNECT CHANGE NEW 920724

     Much  of  our  life is guided by  inarticulate  rules
which  we follow to help us avoid danger,   harm,   fears,
connections,  change,  renewal, embarrassment,  etc.  Such
rules  lead  us  to  engage  in  patterns  of  life  which
transcend individual actions/inactions,  yet often lead us
into  disintegrative relationships.  It is not so much the
individual actions/inactions which are disintegrative; but
that   the  pattern  taken  as  a  whole  lacks   balance,
integrity, health, etc.

     The  tacit  rules which we thoughtlessly  follow  may
lead us  to become frozen people by how they  inhibit  us;
keeping us from revealing ourselves through:

gifts         acceptance        creativity        presence
confession    contribution     conversation      listening
dialogue      descriptions     interjections     additions
intimacy      sexuality       I-Thou-being      expression
friendship    letting-go     face-expression   eye-contact
love          affection      touching          forgiveness

     It  is the pervasive inhibiting influence  of   tacit
rules  which  may rule our lives,  without  us  or  others
realizing what it is that is ruling our lives.  We will do
well  to  seek  to become aware of  the  presence  of  and
pervasive influence of such rules.

     The above words suggest some types of avoidance which
are disintegrative and do not merit respect.  On the other
hand,   there are some situations in which a wise form  of
avoidance does merit respect: We need to wisely avoid:

     1.  Being manipulated by others who show no respect
   for our personal integrity.
     2.  Falling into collusive games of mutual self
   deception.
     3.  Becoming unbalanced by exclusive foci of concern.
     4.  Preoccupation with control, perfection,
   imperfections and judgments.
     5.  Preoccupation with personal acceptance/rejection.
     6.  Seeking personal fixes for personal defects.
     7.  Trying to make ourselves be "acceptable".
     8.  Compensating for our insecurity and low self-
   esteem with defensiveness and over-confidence.
     9.  Expecting others to compensate for us not doing
   what only we can do for ourselves.
    10.  Using dishonesty as a manipulative tool.

     We   need  to  learn  to  recognize   the   different
disintegrative forms of avoidance and integrative forms of
avoidance;  and to avoid confusing one form with the other
form.
                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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