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 %TRUE HONEST LOVE KNOW SELF OTHER FEEL DESIRE FEAR 910120

     When people are truly living in love they want to  be
with  each other as they really are;  each being  true  to
self and true to other.

     Lovers   want  to  know their own  and  the   other's
feelings,  thoughts,  desires, fears, hopes,  aspirations,
etc.   to the extent  that  the other wants to be   known.
Non-coercive  interest which is unconditionally  accepting
of  the  reality  of each other's being  who  they  are---
elicits a willingness to be truly known and to truly  know
the other.

     False   lovers  fear  to be truly known or  to  truly
know  others.    False lovers are seeking to appear to  be
other  than  they really are in the core of  their  being,
and want to  perceive others as other than they really are
in   the  core   of   their  being.    False  lovers   are
accepting  false signals from self and others,  and taking
false  signals to be  reliable signals about how  to  best
conform to  others'  expectations as the best way to  earn
acceptance and love.

     False  lovers give each other false signals regarding
who  they  are and what they:   think,    feel,    desire,
perceive,  experience,   hope,   fear, need,  etc.   False
lovers  are not being themselves,  and are not willing  to
accept   each   other  when   they  are   honestly   being
themselves.  They  are  thus confused  about  who they are
and who each other  is.    No matter  how  hard  they  try
to  impress each  other,    they depress  themselves   and
each  other;    and   so  they   tend  towards  depression
through frustration and confusion.

     False   lovers  act as if their dilemma was a problem
with techniques and resources,  and so they seek fixes for
their   depressions  and  frustrations.   They  seek   new
techniques  and improvements in old techniques;   and more
techniques,    and more of each technique.  Dishonesty  is
used  as  a  technique.   Self  deception  is  used  as  a
technique.    Collusive  games  of mutual  self  deception
become  cooperative techniques.  False lovers  can  become
addicted  to  any  thing  which can be used  as   a   fix,
including      various     false     perceptions       and
representations of self and other's:  being,  soul,  body,
mind,   spirit,   sexuality,   desires,   fears,    hopes,
perceptions, thoughts, experiences, etc.

     False  lovers need to give up their futile efforts to
use things,   procedures,  rituals, people, etc.  as fixes
with  which to fix or fill their emptiness.  They need  to
give  up  the   painful  pleasures and  frustrations  that
such  fixes have brought them,  and move on to being truly
themselves  with   themselves  and  with  others.    False
lovers   need  to learn  to be honest with themselves  and
others  about  who they are and what they:   feel,   fear,
regret,  hope,   want, need, think, experience, etc.  Only
when they honestly seek to  know themselves and others can
they  truly come to know the  true  love  that  they   un-
knowingly  seek  in  their desperation.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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