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   %SHOULD CONTROL PUNISH REWARD CONFORM REBEL LOVE 901009

     When  the word "should"  is used in the discussion of
people's behavior,  beware.  Somebody is likely to believe
that knowledge of what one person should do,  is knowledge
which points to what another person should make sure  gets
done by the person who should do it.

     The  word  "should"   leads  people  with   addictive
personalities  to  volunteer for control duty.   Addictive
people  believe  that they should be in  control  of  what
other  people  should  do,  and should not do,   and  they
volunteer   for  authoritative  service  in  the  name  of
propriety and conformity.

     Addicts  and their supportive codependents  volunteer
to  serve each other in making sure that they do what they
should do, and do not do what they should not do. They are
often confused about who should do (and who should not do)
what,   but  they  are clear in their own mind  that  they
should be in control of what others should do (and  should
not do), and how others should be controlled, so that they
do  what  they should do,  and do not do what they  should
not. In this process honesty is not highly valued,  and so
honesty is sacrificed.

     While  trying to be in control of what others  should
do/not-do,  and do/not-do,  most codependents do not  keep
clearly in mind what their own real needs are;  i.e.,  how
to  maintain  their own personal and  communal  integrity.
They  are working so hard to take care of others and  what
others  should/not  be  doing;  that they  have  no  time,
energy, interest,  or resources to take good and healthful
care of themselves.

     Codependents  love  neither  others  nor  themselves,
because  they  do not take good care of themselves.   They
think  that they are taking good care of others;  but they
cannot know that, for they do not take good enough care of
themselves to avoid confusion,  and they have no sound and
or honest personal basis for comparison.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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