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      %GETTING ATTENTION AFFECTION LOVE ADDICT LACK 901008

     The  roots of addiction and codependence may be  laid
down  by how infants and children learn to  get  attention
and affection.

     If an infant or child learns that the only way to get
attention  and affection is by getting into trouble,   the
adult  born of that infancy and childhood is likely to  be
an  adult who knows how to get into trouble as a means  of
getting attention and/or affection.

     If an infant or child learns that the only way to get
attention and affection is by making deals, the adult born
of that infancy and childhood is likely to be an adult who
knows  how  to get what they want by the  manipulation  of
deal making.

     If  an infant or child learns that they only  way  to
get attention and affection is by manipulating objects and
people,   that  is  how  adult born of  that  infancy  and
childhood will behave.

     If an infant or child learns that the only way to get
attention and affection is by pretending to be what others
expect her/him to be,  then the adult born of that infancy
and  childhood  will be skilled at pretending to  be  what
others  expect him/her to be;  but will not have  personal
integrity in being authentic.

     If  an infant or child learns that they only  way  to
get  attention  and affection is by serving others at  the
expense  of taking proper care of him/her self,  then  the
adult born of that infancy and childhood will be unable to
love others as they love themselves, because they will not
love themselves at all.

     If  an infant or child learns that they only  way  to
get attention and affection is to act out roles which have
been  given to them,  then the adult born of that  infancy
and  childhood will be unable to be responsible,   because
they  will  be  unable to respond authentically  and  with
integrity  as  a real person who is NOT  acting  out  some
artificial role.

     The  adult born of an infancy and/or childhood  which
taught  that  attention  and affection  must  be  achieved
through  some special effort,  is unlikely to UNLEARN  the
misleading  lessons of infancy and childhood through  some
readings,   discussions  or  lectures.  Such  lessons  are
embedded  more  deeply  than  readings,   discussions  and
lectures  embed lessons.  Authentic adult  experiences  in
honest   inter-personal  relationships  which  call   into
question   the  lessons  of  infancy  and  childhood   are
essential  to the unlearning of the misleading lessons  of
infancy and childhood.

     Many  of  the  ills and dis-eases  of  adulthood  are
probably  born in the ill-conceived and dis-eased  lessons
of  infancy and childhood.  Such lessons are in turn often
born of disintegrative ideals, values, goals, aspirations,
beliefs and convictions. To avoid teaching such misleading
lessons  we  must reflect in non-objective ways  upon  the
consequences of our ideals,  values,  goals,  aspirations,
beliefs and convictions.  We will find this impossible  to
do  so  long  as we thoughtlessly respect  the  compulsive
preoccupation   of   scientists  with  objectivity   which
inhibits honest reflexive considerations.

     We must recognize that the dilemmas which are pointed
to  here are true dilemmas,  and realize both  consciously
and  in  our  discussions  that  they  are  not  technical
problems,   and  that  they  cannot be solved  for  us  by
technical  experts.  To deal with these dilemmas wisely we
must  make take non-technical steps in ways which are  not
objective, are not manipulative, and do not have any clear
cut  goal towards which they are directed.  There  are  no
systematic  procedures  by which to guarantee  success  in
dealing with these dilemmas, for systematic procedures are
technical  procedures,   and  they  are  inappropriate  to
dealing wisely with non-technical dilemmas.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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