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   %LOVE DETACH UNCONDITIONAL ADDICT SUPPORT HONEST 900304

     Confusion regarding our realities and the words which
we  use to point to our realities can lead  to  tragically
misled behavior.   We develop our concepts with the aid of
our  words and our words point to our conceptions.    Both
our concepts and the words we use to point to our concepts
point to aspects of our realities as we know them and seek
to understand them.

     There  is much confusion around our word "love"   and
around our conceptions of what healthy love is all  about.
We  need to work to clear up our confusions about  healthy
love.

     Healthy  love does not call for unconditional respect
for  and  support of a person regardless of  the  person's
attitudes,   habits and behaviors.   Healthy love  is  not
blind.    Healthy  love  deals honestly  with  a  person's
attitudes,    habits  and  behaviors;   and   with   their
consequences.   Healthy love sees clearly the  connections
between attitudes,  habits and behaviors on the one  hand;
and the natural consequences which flow from them. Healthy
love  not only sees clearly and honestly;  but also  deals
clearly and honestly with people in love.

     Healthy  love does not call for unconditional support
of people in dishonest and misleading patterns of behavior
and communication.  Healthy love sees clearly in the midst
of  confusion and deals honestly with confusion  which  it
does  see.   Healthy love does not call for dishonesty  in
supporting people.

     Healthy love calls for honesty in playing the role of
the  suffering servant.   The suffering servant  does  not
participate  in collusive games of mutual self  deception.
The  healthy suffering servant is present to  participants
in such games,  but in honest ways which are detached from
their  games.    The  healthy  suffering  servant  suffers
because  of  being  an honest witness to the truth in  the
midst of  collusive  games  of mutual self  deception; not
because of being a participant in such games.

     Being present to participants in the collusive  games
of  addicts and their codependent supporters does not mean
playing their dishonest games; but rather it means being a
witness  of  and to the consequences of their  dishonesty.
Such  a  presence is detached from the games  while  being
present  for  opportunities  to participate  in  open  and
honest dialogue.  Love calls for an honest presence, while
being  detached  from the dishonest games of  mutual  self
deception.  Detachment is detachment from dishonest games,
not  withdrawal from the presence of others.   Addicts and
their  codependent  supporters may withdraw from  such  an
honest  witness,  but the witness need not  withdraw  from
them to detach from their dishonest games.

     Detachment  involves withdrawal from participation in
collusive  games  of mutual self  deception.    Detachment
involves  an increasing commitment to always be seeking to
be  open  and  honest with self and  others  in  authentic
dialogue,  ready to listen honestly to others.  Detachment
involves   seeking  to  develop  authentic   relationships
motivated   by   honest  love  which  witnesses   to   the
consequences of mistakes, errors, failures, etc.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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