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   %GIVE OWN LET GO SELF OTHER SAFE FEEL THINK LOVE 900217

     We  cannot give of ourself what we feel it is  unsafe
to own as our own.  If we feel that we have been forbidden
to  own  some  gift  as our own,  then to give  it  is  to
acknowledge  that we have owned a forbidden gift;  and  to
invite  tacit  punishment  for having violated  the  tacit
rules.

     We may want to give a gift,   but we may be unable to
let  go  of  our gift for fear that in letting go  we  may
disclose ourself in a dangerous way.  Thus,  we may bottle
up in ourself, aspects of ourself which we fear to own and
let  go  of because we feel we have been forbidden to  own
our own true self. We may feel that we are required to own
only  what  others  have given to us  as  approved  gifts;
conventionally proper gifts which are regarded as safe.

     We  fear to own and let go of gifts which make others
feel insecure, unsafe, embarrassed, threatened,  confused,
etc.  If we begin to offer our true self and find that  in
doing so we make others so insecure,  unsafe, embarrassed,
threatened, confused, etc.  that they reject both our gift
and our self;  then we withdraw from our true self and are
tempted  to  offer false selves in efforts  to  earn  self
acceptance. But then the self which is accepted is not our
true self; and we become confused as to who we really are.

     When  we  are confused as to who we really  are:   we
cannot be true to ourself and cannot speak honestly and be
truly  ourselves;  so we engage in misleading,  dishonest,
collusive, addictive and codependent patterns of behavior,
and  in being selves that are more tolerated than we  find
our  true self to be tolerated.  We become lies  and  lose
track  of what personal and communal integrity  are;   and
cannot  see that we have lost our integrity with the  loss
of our true selves.

     It  is thus important to seek to be able to  honestly
accept our selves and others as we really are;  by working
to create social contexts in which we can be secure, safe,
unembarrassed, un-threatened,  un-confused and accepted as
our true selves.  In the absence of such social  contexts,
we  become  lies  and  lose track  of  what  personal  and
communal integrity are;  and cannot see that we have  lost
our integrity with the loss of our true selves.  We cannot
save  our selves as individuals without working to  create
social  contexts  in  which we are ALL free  to  give  our
selves openly and honestly in integrative dialogue.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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