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%SIGNIFICANT POWER INTIMATE LOVE ADDICT OBJECT JUST 890723

     The  significance and power of intimate relationships
are not understandable primarily in terms of the objective
aspects of such relationships,  even though the  objective
aspects play an important role.

     The significance and power of intimate  relationships
cannot be understood apart from consideration of the  acts
of will on the part of the participants, as they decide to
give themselves in subjective and objective expressions of
intimacy.  Apart from authentic acts of will all objective
actions  of intimacy are without significance  and  power;
even  though  through great acting they may appear  to  be
authentic.

     People  seek the security which is given  through the
acts   of  will  of  participants  in  authentic  intimate
relationships.  It is the significance and the power which
is  given  through such acts of will which is desired  and
sought,   and  which is confirmed in the pleasure  of  the
security thereby conferred.  People cannot be coerced into
such  authentic acts of will.  Such authentic acts of will
cannot be controlled by any person, persons, institutions,
intellectual systems, moral or legalistic systems or other
power.

     Authentic intimate relationships cannot be  required,
mandated,  regulated, controlled, legislated,  or achieved
in meaningful ways.  They are not preconceived goals to be
attained through appropriate efforts and techniques.  They
cannot  be  controlled  in any systematic  way,   even  by
participants.

     People    who   try   to   achieve/create    intimate
relationships  through systematic use of techniques cannot
give themselves authentically into intimate  relationships
which  might transform them in unplanned ways;   for  such
giving would undermine their systematic plans,  and result
in  their not achieving/creating what they have chosen  to
achieve.

     Authentic intimate relationships change  participants
in unplanned ways, and thus threaten technocrats.

     We  are  impressed  when someone whom we  respect  is
willing to take time to give of themselves in attending to
us and our needs. The more they give of their limited time
and  energy to us,  the more we are impressed.   The  less
secure  we are in being who we are,  the more we  want  to
have our low self esteem bolstered by their attentions.

     Insecure  people often discover each other,  and find
a  short lived security in seeking each other's attentions
in  exclusive  ways.  They fall into the trap of  thinking
that the more of each other's attention they can  acquire,
the more their low self esteem will be bolstered. They try
to  gain control of each other's attentions so  that  they
each  can have virtually all of each other's attentions as
a  sign of great significance and power.  "More"   becomes
their  sign of significance and power;  without regard for
more of what, or of what quality.

     The  more another person's attentions are subject  to
our manipulative controls,  the less their attentions  are
authentically significant when given to us.  If we control
another   person's  attentions,   their   attentions   are
insignificant when given to us,  and they confer no  power
upon us when we get them to give us their attention. As we
gain   power  to  control  another  person  we  lose   the
significance  and  the power which their attention  to  us
might otherwise have.

     If  another person gives us all their attention  they
become  insignificant in our community and their attention
to us becomes insignificant and confers upon us no  power.
Their attention signifies not an act of their will, but of
ours.  Thus there is no gain in getting another to give us
all   of   their  attention;   and  such  an   achievement
temporarily satisfies only participants in collusive games
of  mutual  self  deception;   e.g.;   addicts  and  their
codependent supporters.

     There  is  no justice in relationships  which  entail
dominance  and  control  of each other.   Where  power  is
exercised  to  control each other's behavior there  is  no
authentic love. Personal love, power and justice can exist
only in the presence of the two others of the trio. In the
absence  of  the  other  two,  each one  is  impotent  and
satisfies no real human need.

     The power to control others will not help us overcome
our  problems of low self esteem.  Such problems  are  not
technical  problems which can be solved through the use of
techniques; they are not really technical problems at all.
Our  dilemmas relating to low self esteem are resolved  by
acts of love, not by technical acts.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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