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    %SEX COMPENSATE LACK LOVE SECURITY INTIMACY JOY 890321

     Often  people assume that by finding the right sexual
partner  they  will be able to compensate for the lack  of
authentic love, security, intimacy and joy in their lives.

     Given  that  assumption  such people  are  likely  to
approach   all   sexual  relationships   with   misleading
expectations,  and their sexual relationships are unlikely
to be as integrative as they might be.

     The  assumption which is often made places the burden
of effort upon finding the right partner. Failure leads to
seeking   the   right   partner   elsewhere;    to    more
experimentation with different combinations.

     Failure  can often be traced to systemic failures  of
the  community  which  may be trapped in  addictive,   co-
dependent, collusive habits of mind and heart; such habits
affect  all possible sexual partners and looking elsewhere
will not transcend the dilemma.

     To  transcend failures we must in some way  transcend
the  habits of mind and heart which have lead us into  the
failures.  Tragic failures are not technological problems,
they  are non-technological dilemmas and predicaments.  No
technique  can  be devised to transcend  genuinely  tragic
failures;   for the essence of tragedy is not a  technical
matter.

     Unsatisfactory intimate relationships cannot be  made
satisfactory through exclusively technical means; although
technical  considerations  may  play a secondary  role  in
transcending  unsatisfactory intimate relationships.   The
error  that is most likely to be made is to assume that an
unsatisfactory intimate relationship is unsatisfactory due
to  technical considerations.  There is also  some  danger
that  the  error  might  be made of assuming  that  it  is
exclusively  a  non-technical matter  in  which  technical
considerations  will play no role.  Exclusivity of  either
kind is a block to integrative behavior.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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