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    %LOSS LACK CONTROL INTIMATE RELATION RISK TRUST 890108

     There  are  situations where loss of control is  very
dangerous;  e.g.,  in the management of large equipment at
high  speed or with otherwise great danger of damage.   In
such  situations  maintenance of control is  essential  to
human and communal integrity. There is good reason to fear
the loss of control in such situations.

     There are other situations in which there may be only
the  appearance of control;  but where in fact control  in
the  sense of control of large equipment is not  possible,
yet there may be a fear of the loss of control. People can
fear  losing that which they only think they  have,   even
though  they  do  not have that which  they  fear  losing.
People  can be afraid of losing control of that over which
they have no control.

     People  cannot truly control each other;  but  people
can  appear to have control of each other.  If people  are
under the delusion (even a mutual delusion) that they have
control of each other, then they may fear the loss of that
appearance of control as if it were a possible true  loss.
The  way to eliminate that fear is through the realization
of the fact that the control is only an appearance,  not a
reality.  The usual way people try to deal with that  fear
is  through  intensification  of manipulative  efforts  to
maintain  the  appearance  of control.  Such  efforts  are
fundamentally  misleading,  dishonest,   collusive  and/or
addictive  in  character.  They are part of the  games  of
mutual  self  deception which are played  by  addicts  and
their supportive codependents.

     It  is  important to be careful not to  lose  control
when maintenance of control is truly essential. It is also
important   not  to  try  to  maintain  control  when  the
maintenance of control is impossible;  for the latter kind
of  effort  is  bound  to  be  a  collusive  effort,   the
maintenance of a dishonest appearance.

     Loss of control is safe in contexts where it is  safe
to be vulnerable, when security is assured by the communal
context. Loss of control is not safe in the absence of the
freedom  to  be vulnerable,  when one is  truly  insecure.
People  foolishly  try to maintain control when they  feel
insecure  and  defensive.   It  is  important  to  provide
security so that people do not feel the need to  foolishly
try to maintain control which cannot be maintained.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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