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  %GIFT SECURITY TRUST HONEST LEARN MISTAKE FAILURE 880917

     True  lovers give each other the gift of security  in
which they can trust each other and be open and honest  in
intimate  relationships where together they can learn from
their own and other's mistakes.

     We  may be open and honest in risky intimacy only  as
we receive the gift of security;  i.e.,  the freedom to be
vulnerable.    In  openness and honesty there is risk  and
vulnerability.  Conformal people do not value openness and
honesty.    Conformal  people  try  to form themselves and
others  into  preconceived forms;   they  do  not  try  to
discover  who  each other is  by  being  open  and  honest
persons  with integrity.   Conformists  cannot  give  each
other the gift of  security.  Conformists cannot give each
other the freedom to be open and honest.
     Openness  and  honesty  are  not  just   intellectual
matters.   People who give each other the gift of security
give  each  other the freedom to be emotionally  open  and
honest.    They  do  not coercively expect each  other  to
conform emotionally.   They do not try to control thoughts
and  emotions  or the expressions of them.   They  respond
openly and honestly to each others'  honest expressions of
thoughts and emotions  with  personal integrity.   They do
not  feel the need to  be  on  the defensive;   and  their
experiences  confirm  that they do not need to be  on  the
defensive.
     Even  lovers who give each other the gift of security
need  to be aware that not all people are lovers who  give
the gift of security.

     Some  people  are  very insecure and  have  low  self
esteem.    They  try to achieve high self  esteem  through
their competitive accomplishments.  Somebody must lose for
them to win and have high self esteem.   They are not free
to  give  security  because they feel that they  must  win
competitions to be secure.   They believe that security is
to  be  achieved through accomplishments which make  other
people  losers  while winning for self.   It is  a  futile
disintegrative belief.

     Security is enjoyed only as a gift.   Achievements do
not bring security.  Technology does not achieve security,
no matter how sophisticated the technology.

     Lovers  need to beware of people who are addicted  to
attempting  to  achieve  security  through  any  form   of
accomplishment.  Usually such people fail in their efforts
far  more often than they succeed.   Trying to  help  them
fulfill   their  responsibilities  will  not  help   them.
Becoming helpfully attached  to  such  people is dangerous
for all  concerned.   It is  best  to avoid entanglements,
attachments,  and being with such people.    Even the most
"loving"    attachments  involve  the  loss  of  security,
freedom, honesty, integrity, trust, joy, etc.  Detachments
from  such attachments is essential to the health for  all
involved.   Such people are addicts and those attached  to
them  are  codependents.   They are not  secure  in  their
attachments.    They  do  not  achieve  security   through
attachments.

     Lovers  need to beware of people who have set out  to
save  the world from its evil ways by manipulative efforts
designed to get the  world  to conform to their conception
of  the nature of good human behavior.   Such  people  are
seeking to achieve  personal  security through meritorious
accomplishments.   They believe that  the more people they
save from their evil ways the more  secure they themselves
will be.  They seek to achieve salvation for themselves by
saving  other people from  themselves.   Such saviors  are
insecure in their own being.   They are confused about the
nature of salvation and redemption.  They feel and believe
that love must be earned,  and that security can not   and
must not be accepted as a free gift.   They try to conform
the world to their feelings  and  beliefs.   Their efforts
are disintegrative.  Lovers need to honestly recognize the
effects  of such people's efforts.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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