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 %PERSONAL ADDICT CODEPENDENT PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP 880628

     People  who  are  trapped  in  addictive  codependent
personal relationships see each other as an essential part
of  themselves  and regard that bond as the bond of  love.
Such  people  can  not depend upon themselves as  able  to
stand  by  themselves.    Such people view  themselves  as
essentially  dependent upon each other,  and are terrified
at  the thought of making it on their own.   Because  they
lack  self esteem they do not esteem each other.   Because
they  do not esteem each other they find it impossible  to
respect  each  other  and  cooperate with  each  other  as
respected equals.   To bolster their own self esteem  they
seek  to  lower each other's self esteem,  and  drag  each
other down in the process.

     People  who  are  trapped  in addictive   codependent
personal  relationships try to use each other in deceptive
coercive ways.  Each views the other as a means to an end:
support  in  coping and support in feeling needed.    They
make  a  tacit  deal to fill each  other's  needs  without
mutual respect or cooperation, taking from each other what
they  want,   but never giving each other anything of  any
significance  or  showing any genuine  appreciation  which
might be honestly reflective of any genuine personal need.

     Because  addictive  relationships  are  fundamentally
defensive  relationships of insecure people  they  honesty
and   genuine   intimacy  which   entails   vulnerability.
Addictive relationships are full of misleading attempts to
control  each  other in order to gain something  for  self
through  the  exercise  of control over the  other.    The
dominantly  addictive member controls through  dependency.
The   dominantly  codependent  member   controls   through
provisions.  The dependent partner provides the dependency
which  the  codependent needs.   The  codependent  partner
provides  the assistance and support which  the  dependent
partner  needs.   Neither respects the other for  what  is
provided,   but both are terrified at the possible loss of
what the other provides.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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