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               %DETACHMENT FROM PERVERSE DEPENDENCY 861217

     Some  people  chose to play the role of  a  dependent
victim  of  circumstances.   They  present  themselves  to
charitable  people  and manipulate  charitable  people  to
sustain  a relationship of dependency which  is  perverse.
Such  dependent victims of circumstances choose not to  do
what  they might do---to solve their own problems as fully
as they  might.    Thus they increase their dependency and
the  opportunities/needs   for  others to  be  charitable.
They   have    much    time   to   devote   to    creative
manipulation   of  people's  acceptance of their  role  as
victim.    It is  not easy for charitable people to detach
themselves   from   such  imprisoning   relationships   of
perverse dependency.

     The perverse dependent needs to achieve some level of
independence in order to be able to become interdependent.
They  can  not learn how to cope for themselves---if  they
are  protected   from   all  the  consequences  of   their
mistakes.   They  need to learn that consequences are  not
all  punishments initiated by other people.   They need to
learn  that  their  own  decisions  and  actions  lead  to
natural  consequences  which   are beyond  the  powers  of
others  to  prevent.     They need to come to respect  the
power they have to make a mess of  their  own   life---and
to  realize  that   others  can  not  prevent   them  from
making   a  mess  of  their  life---if  they  are   grimly
determined  to make a mess of their life.    They can  not
learn  this  so long as other people  are  successful   in
preventing   them from suffering the natural  consequences
of their  own foolish behavior.

     To  detach  from the perverse dependent person is  to
refuse  to  be  cast  into the  role  of  rescuer  of  the
determined  victim.   To   detach   is  to  refuse  to  be
emotionally  manipulated  by the determined victim.     To
detach  is to refuse to  accept extreme responsibility for
all of the victim's foolishness.

     To  detach  is not to reject,  or to be  indifferent,
but  rather   to  seek  more   mature   relationships   of
mutual  interdependency  and respect.    Relationships  of
perverse dependency  are  not  mature,   not mutual,   not
open,   not honest,   do not promote personal or  communal
integrity    and   are   not     genuinely     charitable.
Detachment   from   perverse dependency  is  move  towards
mature     relationships     of   mutual    respect    and
interdependency.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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