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         %ENABLING & FACILITATING PERVERSE BEHAVIOR 861209

     Enabling  behavior  may  be perverse behavior  if  it
enables unjust dependency which imprisons people in  their
dependency,    when   they   might  be   more   free   and
interdependent  as  persons capable of independence.    It
does not help a person to help them evade the consequences
of their own perverse judgments and behavior, to blame the
consequences upon others, to deny personal responsibility,
to participate in communal games of mutual self deception.

     A perverse enabler tends to confuse being sympathetic
and  supportive with paternalistic protection against  the
consequences   of  foolish  behavior.   The  reality   and
consequences  of  mistakes must not  be  denied,   evaded,
projected upon others,  or in any other way ignored;   for
to  do  any  such thing is to fail to learn how  to  avoid
making the same mistakes again.

     A   genuine  enabler  helps  people  avoid  repeating
mistakes by learning as much as possible from each mistake
made.  A genuine enabler helps people feel secure and free
to   acknowledge  mistakes  made  without  the  burden  of
alienative  guilt.   Only when one is secure and  free  to
acknowledge one's own mistakes,  their consequences,   and
that  there  are alternative choices which may be made  in
similar future situations;  only then is one able to learn
from  one's  own  mistakes,   and  get  ahead  in  a  more
successful and meaningful life.

     A  perverse  enabler  engenders  guilt  by  depriving
dependent  people  of  affective  support,   security  and
opportunities to suffer the consequences of mistakes made;
doing so in ways that  promote  learning which  leads away
from repeating the same mistakes in the future.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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