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                              %NON-COERCIVE DESIRES 860626

     Desires and expectations  are often coercive,  laying
on another person an unwelcome  threat   of  psychological
punishment  if the desires/expectations are not satisfied.
Not all desires and expectations are coercive.  In healthy
intimate  relationships  desires and expectations are non-
coercive.

     Whether   desires/expectations  are,   or  are   not,
coercive  depends  upon the  nature  of  the  relationship
between the person   with   the  desires/expectations  and
the   possible   "victim";   and     upon    each    one's
perceptions    of   that relationship,    and   upon  each
one's  perception's  of  the other's  perceptions,    etc.
In  these  matters  we  are not dealing   with   objective
realities  whose  existence  is independent of perception.

     What  is  perceived  as  regards  coercion   or  not,
depends  upon  what each perceives  regarding the   nature
of  each other's overall  dedication:   how integrative is
it?     How balanced  as  regards  what   is/not   to   be
integrated?    Persons?    Individuals?       Experiences?
Ideas?    Ideals? Values?  Relationships?

     When  a  person  is  not clearly  dedicated  to  both
personal  and  communal   integrity---the  probability  of
perceiving non-coercive desires is not  as great as when a
person is clearly dedicated to  both personal and communal
integrity.    What  we may with reason expect of a  person
depends  upon  that  person's most fundamental dedication.
Thus what we may with reason  desire to do with,  and  how
we may desire to  be with a person---will naturally depend
upon how we perceive  that person's dedications to  relate
to our integrity and to the integrity of our community.

     When  a  person  is  clearly  dedicated  to promoting
integrity as fully as  possible---we have little reason to
fear coercive desires and expectations on the part of such
an  integrative person.   Our desires and expectations may
reasonably become mutual  in profound and meaningful ways.
Intimacy   with  vulnerability become  possible,   and  so
security is realized and enjoyed  without defensiveness or
the  costs  of being defensive.   Collusions and    taboos
are   pointless  in  such  a   community   of  integrative
persons who are involved  in  I-Thou  relationships  which
are   characterized    by   openness   and    honesty---in
reflexive   relationships    which     are     objectively
informed   and realistic.

                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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